Good enough

-Ramblings from a month ago. Feelings remain relatively the same.-

So what is this? Am I not fucking good enough for God? A creation that he forgot? An unfinished story shut in a drawer to be continued never? A black sheep that wandered too often and too far?
Clearly, something in this equation is wrong. If God exists then where is he?
If he exists then he's left me.
Better not to believe. Better that I grow up and grow out of this faith.
I must take arms against this rejection by deity. This fairytale cannot be allowed to control my life, cannot be allowed to continue.
I wanted to believe. I desired that faith.
I sat and watched as others received answers, as the same seeds that I have watered with my tears, grew orchards for those around me. "Faith." They promised me. "You're seeds will grow. Ours did. ours have."
Guilt and doubt filled the space that I had cleared for my faith.
I have been promised.
I have been lied to.
Am I not fucking good enough for God?
My saving grace, my creator, my Heavenly Father and friend?
Better to believe in myself.
I exist.
Santa Clause will not bring me what I need each December, and God will not say a word.
His silence on this front speaks volumes about what he will not say.
His silence speaks of what he dare not admit: his existence.
Heaven forbid that Heaven acknowledges itself. God forbid that God tip his hand.
Faith alone must carry us through this darkness.
Faith in a voice that will not speak, a hand that will not help, an eye that refuses to see. A heart that will not be moved to feel.
The Justice and Mercy of God would be unending, extending on forever.
The Mercy of his sacrifice, steeped in our guilt and soaked in the blood of the innocent, made necessary by the demands of Justice in a universe where the unjust hold the reins, would mean nothing at all without the blind followers of his own creation. Created for the worship of himself.
Better to see, to open my eyes to the ways of the world that a God created to forsake. 
Better to believe in myself, to know who I am and that I am good, than to bear the pain of a Father who no longer cares.
I am fucking good enough.
I'm here God. I am here and I am good. So where are you?