Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas Ryan

Why haven't you left?
I can't understand it.
As we've grown, we've parted and strayed from home, you only seem to love me more. How is it possible?
When oceans of people have faded away before you, crashing into my life and disappearing back into the sea just as quickly... Here you stand.
You alone have remained constant.
You alone have remained.
I love you for it.
I don't need their company. I don't need their love. Their hate will suffice, will do just fine.
But you...
You've thrown a wrench into everything I've known here. Into all the little plans I've made. You skipped the clouds gliding past and became a star. One that I can see and love every night, no matter the distance between us.
I don't understand it.
You know me.
I've given you my rose because you alone understand what it means. You alone understand that I expect to be alone. The rose that you've held in your hand is my permission for you to walk away. And yet you stay.
I've let you in. I can't say why or when it happened, only that it did. I love you dearly, like I've loved only a few before. But unlike before, it is without reservation. I love you wholly and completely. I love who you are and what you stand for. I love you Ryan.
You're here. I can't say why, but you care and you show it. That means so much more than the world to me. The world could never understand the two of us. We were meant for bigger things than the world can comprehend. You and I, I think, were made for the stars.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I am living a lie.
It is the hardest, most selfish thing that I have ever done.
I have no choice. 

Monday, December 17, 2012

A quick explanation

I'm angry. You've probably noticed.
I'm angry at the world, at God, at religion in general. At the hypocrites who smile and lie to my face. At every "holier than thou" who dares assume that I am a sinner and a fool.
I had my Faith. I believed in it all. All I wanted was a confirmation. We're supposed to ask if it's true. We're supposed to know for ourselves. That's all I wanted. Isn't that a good thing? Weeks came and went. I lived life perfectly. I had never tried so hard. I had never been more humble. I had never wanted anything so badly. No answer came. Fine. In the Lord's own time.
Then I saw the Burning Woman. Her very existence burst open the floodgate of question that I had ignored my whole life. Truth became the pressing issue of my time. What is true? I didn't understand so, where was my thinking flawed? How did it all fit into His plan?
I prayed. I read. I attended every meeting and took scrupulous notes. There was never a child so sincere. All I needed was the truth.
Soon, with acknowledgment of the questions came the realization of the discrepancies. I believed differently than the church on some issues. Puzzled, still waiting for my answers, and confused, I threw myself into prayer. In daily conversations with God I pondered and wondered why he was silent. A simple word from him would clear up all my confusion. A single word.
No answer came. Fine. In the Lord's own time.
But the Lord waited too long.
By nature of who I am, I discovered new truth's about my own beliefs  The church and I disagree. God and I disagree.
As my soul was wracked with torture, as I cried out to him every night and waited in agony for his reply, doubt introduced itself to me.
I writhed in horror when I saw it's face. It was a monster that I had been warned against. I begged God for his aid in fighting this enemy. No relief came.
Eventually my hope waned. I became dejected. I could not understand the contradictions that had become apparent in my life. I was left alone and Doubt had his way with me. Even then I prayed. Even then I searched the scriptures for answers to the questions that would not leave me be.
Where was God in all this?
I read that if anyone lacked wisdom he could ask of God, who gives to all men liberally/ I knew that I lacked wisdom. I knew that I had pleaded to God for strength and for answers. I knew that I had received nothing in return.
After many months I was introduced to anger.
Was I not good enough for God? Everyone seemed to be getting answers all around me. Everyone else was happy. Everyone else had figured it all out. God had helped them all. I decided that God must not care about me. I must not be Good enough for Him.
I hope that is a realization that none of you will ever come to. There is no pain that I have ever experienced that comes close. Believing that you are worthless to the being that supposedly created you... there are no words for that pain.
One day I realized something the changed my life: I'm a good person! I do good things, I want good things! I am not unworthy of anything. I am honest and intelligent and kind. But above it all, I am GOOD.
God would not reject me. Therefore, I decided to stop believing in a God.
That was not the easiest choice. I've  come to realize that in my life it would be much easier for me to pretend, to put on a smile and get over it. To act like everyone else and delude myself into happiness. I could be content living that lie.
But I could not feel joy.
I let go of that God and for the first time in years I felt JOY. There was no more guilt, no more shame. I was finally free to breathe and to live my life. For the first time in a very long time, I have the capacity for tremendous joy.
The anger comes from remembering. The anger comes when I am forced to bite my tongue and remain silent in the presence of those who have sacrificed their logic to their faith. The anger comes from watching others try and force feed me the guilt that I have forsaken. I will not be one of them. I will not give up logic and reason to a faith that has never brought me anything but pain.
Obviously, there were other factors that led me to this choice in life. But these are the ones that had to do singularly with me. As important as the other reasons are, these are more personal and I feel the need to share these with you.
This is my explanation. Not because I feel the need to explain  myself or to justify my actions, but because I have kept them in for so long. I am stuck living a lie with no escape. No way out. In some way I hope this will be discovered and then I can end it all and finally tell the truth.
I am no longer a Mormon.
I do not believe in God.
I am extraordinarily moral.
I am a good person.

And nothing can take that away from me. My convictions are such that I will bear the judgments of this society. Because I'm right. For once in my life I know that I am right. 

A life of worth

I hear the words. I want what's right. I hear about all of the warmth and light that supposedly comes from God. I bend my prideful knees to pray, but the words ring false in my ears. I want good things, it true. But the voice of the burning woman echoes in my mind. The smiling monsters linger behind my eyes as I try and cry to the God that created them.
I muster up the faith I need in order to see the miracles that will confirm my faith. But maybe I do not have enough. Maybe the miracles do not exist. I do not know. I do not know the difference anymore. They cite and quote and preach at me, throwing words like daggers, shoving sugary scriptures down my throat, thick and numbing like a syrup. I want to believe. I try and turn off my brain, bar the thoughts that scream "no" and accept the illogical, rely on faith.
I can't. I'm not strong enough. I don't have the faith. I am faithless. Godless.
"We must be worthy!" They howl and throw their arms to the skies, proclaiming their own filth. "We are not worthy!" They moan and rub their faces into the dirt. Without the help of the divine, they will never know how to love who they are. Will never believe they are worthy.
They see me. I stand straight and tall. I know nothing, but want everything. I believe not what they believe. I believe that I am good. Worthy. They spit on me. As they smile. Their hands pull on my clothing, beckoning me to the dirt.
"It is a sin to love yourself." They croon and tears stream down my cheeks. I want to be worthy. But not this way. Not in the grime and the muck. I am reaching for the skies. The stars are my goal. How can I reach them by groveling in the mud? I do not understand. Neither do the bodies flopping in the grime.
This is my crime. I want goodness. As they teach. But I am incapable of understanding their methods. Why can I achieve nothing on my own? Why can nothing come of my own hard work? I cannot lean unto my own understanding? But what of my understanding of God? If I am a vessel of Godliness, can I not lean unto my own reason, my own judgement. My own light?
They groan like corpses animated with something other than life. If they are the worthy ones then let me be damned. Mine is a philosophy of living. I do not worship those who are already dead. Who have chosen never to live for themselves at all.
I will not live a half life. My soul aches for the comfort of divinity, but I know no God could love a creature such as I have become. I need no God. I ask none for help. I want no Heavenly aid. I seek only my own life. I love only my own life. The people around me are beyond my help. They are all as the burning woman, sacrificing themselves upon the alters of the supposedly divine. I cannot. Pride prevents me from committing such self immolation.
So with tears in my eyes and an aching heart, I will leave it all behind. The bodies groping blindly in the dark after their faith, crawling on their bellies like starving savages, are not mine to save. They have made their choice.
And this is mine. I chose to live. For me. For those I love. I chose to be myself and to exist in happiness and joy until the end of my days. I reject guilt and shame as unholy and profane. I demand nothing of anyone but their own worthiness. Worthy of themselves. Worthy of their potential.
So with my head held high, I forsake Heaven and all it's commands. I will not live a life of endless debt. I will pay the price myself and live for no other purpose than my own joy in this life. My happiness as a means and end above that which they preach. Above the stars, knowing I have every ability to reach them and beyond. Above a God that would limit my life to the earth in exchange for some pretended reward.
With my head held high, I choose to be good. I choose to desire that which is right. Worthy of it all. I will live my life in such a way that no God could command otherwise.