Monday, December 17, 2012

A quick explanation

I'm angry. You've probably noticed.
I'm angry at the world, at God, at religion in general. At the hypocrites who smile and lie to my face. At every "holier than thou" who dares assume that I am a sinner and a fool.
I had my Faith. I believed in it all. All I wanted was a confirmation. We're supposed to ask if it's true. We're supposed to know for ourselves. That's all I wanted. Isn't that a good thing? Weeks came and went. I lived life perfectly. I had never tried so hard. I had never been more humble. I had never wanted anything so badly. No answer came. Fine. In the Lord's own time.
Then I saw the Burning Woman. Her very existence burst open the floodgate of question that I had ignored my whole life. Truth became the pressing issue of my time. What is true? I didn't understand so, where was my thinking flawed? How did it all fit into His plan?
I prayed. I read. I attended every meeting and took scrupulous notes. There was never a child so sincere. All I needed was the truth.
Soon, with acknowledgment of the questions came the realization of the discrepancies. I believed differently than the church on some issues. Puzzled, still waiting for my answers, and confused, I threw myself into prayer. In daily conversations with God I pondered and wondered why he was silent. A simple word from him would clear up all my confusion. A single word.
No answer came. Fine. In the Lord's own time.
But the Lord waited too long.
By nature of who I am, I discovered new truth's about my own beliefs  The church and I disagree. God and I disagree.
As my soul was wracked with torture, as I cried out to him every night and waited in agony for his reply, doubt introduced itself to me.
I writhed in horror when I saw it's face. It was a monster that I had been warned against. I begged God for his aid in fighting this enemy. No relief came.
Eventually my hope waned. I became dejected. I could not understand the contradictions that had become apparent in my life. I was left alone and Doubt had his way with me. Even then I prayed. Even then I searched the scriptures for answers to the questions that would not leave me be.
Where was God in all this?
I read that if anyone lacked wisdom he could ask of God, who gives to all men liberally/ I knew that I lacked wisdom. I knew that I had pleaded to God for strength and for answers. I knew that I had received nothing in return.
After many months I was introduced to anger.
Was I not good enough for God? Everyone seemed to be getting answers all around me. Everyone else was happy. Everyone else had figured it all out. God had helped them all. I decided that God must not care about me. I must not be Good enough for Him.
I hope that is a realization that none of you will ever come to. There is no pain that I have ever experienced that comes close. Believing that you are worthless to the being that supposedly created you... there are no words for that pain.
One day I realized something the changed my life: I'm a good person! I do good things, I want good things! I am not unworthy of anything. I am honest and intelligent and kind. But above it all, I am GOOD.
God would not reject me. Therefore, I decided to stop believing in a God.
That was not the easiest choice. I've  come to realize that in my life it would be much easier for me to pretend, to put on a smile and get over it. To act like everyone else and delude myself into happiness. I could be content living that lie.
But I could not feel joy.
I let go of that God and for the first time in years I felt JOY. There was no more guilt, no more shame. I was finally free to breathe and to live my life. For the first time in a very long time, I have the capacity for tremendous joy.
The anger comes from remembering. The anger comes when I am forced to bite my tongue and remain silent in the presence of those who have sacrificed their logic to their faith. The anger comes from watching others try and force feed me the guilt that I have forsaken. I will not be one of them. I will not give up logic and reason to a faith that has never brought me anything but pain.
Obviously, there were other factors that led me to this choice in life. But these are the ones that had to do singularly with me. As important as the other reasons are, these are more personal and I feel the need to share these with you.
This is my explanation. Not because I feel the need to explain  myself or to justify my actions, but because I have kept them in for so long. I am stuck living a lie with no escape. No way out. In some way I hope this will be discovered and then I can end it all and finally tell the truth.
I am no longer a Mormon.
I do not believe in God.
I am extraordinarily moral.
I am a good person.

And nothing can take that away from me. My convictions are such that I will bear the judgments of this society. Because I'm right. For once in my life I know that I am right. 


  1. "The anger comes when I am forced to bite my tongue and remain silent in the presence of those who have sacrificed their logic to their faith."

    This. I had a conversation with my dad yesterday where he said that I was being too intellectual, that the truth doesn't have to make logical sense, and I wanted to scream.

    You are a wonderful person, Rachel.

  2. I read a talk that warned about the evils of "inappropriate intellectualism." Seeking the truth, in my mind, is entirely appropriate. Logic and reason are our only tool by which we evaluate the world. When we give them up, we give up our right to opinion and judgement.

    Truth has to be logical. It's got to. I cannot conceive of a world where it would be otherwise. I don't want any part of a world that functions differently.