Saturday, December 17, 2011

The things we learn

I am a loner.
Every since the days of my childhood  I have understood this truth. While girls my age played with Barbie dolls and their mothers over sized clothes, I read books about space, history, the ocean, and mythology. While little children laughed in my Grandmother's backyard and spent their time plucking the stalks off the great tree to sword fight with, I sat at the grown up table and concisely explained my plans for the future.
I am an anomaly. I am a social butterfly who would rather spend her nights alone. I am a lone wolf who longs for pleasant conversation. My paradoxical nature is my right which I reserve. I will plan and re-plan my life as often as I see fit, which is often enough. I will learn something new and exciting every single day, while at the same time I will bemoan my uninteresting existence. I will adore the person that I am while at the same time looking forward to change and who I will become. I am complicated.
Every day I learn something new about myself.
Last week I discovered that I hate people. The churning masses of the world have thrown away their potential and embraced mediocrity. I am literally, the 1%, the oddball. I am a believer in logic and truth and therefore a threat to be ostracized. So I cast myself out before I can be rejected by anyone else. The world does not deserve my light or my love, which are to be earned, not given as a free handout for simply being alive.
Yesterday i realized that I hate the world simply because I love it so much. When you open the door, your heart, when you let people in, it is so easy to love them. But people are not perfect. To love is to be hurt, disappointed and rejected. That is inevitable. So because I love, I hate them.
Yet even I, the strange girl who reads a book instead of chasing the cute boys at recess, even I, the teenager who learns to read braille in her spare time, even I, the weird girl in class who writes her notes backwards out of admiration and respect for Leonard da Vinci, I wish to be loved. All the frustration, anger, jealousy, heartache and sorrow in the world stem from this one truth. We wish to be loved.
Now if we deserve that love is another issue entirely, but who are we to judge? If even I, the misanthropic loner can learn to love, then there is no one on this beautiful planet that cannot do the same.

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